The price of a fulfilling life and frugality burnout
On the recent month long vacation, I thought deeply about what a fulfilling life looked like and how to live that life. On the trip, I spent a total of about an hour on email, blogging, the interwebz… and have never appreciated more the benefits of stopping the noise in order to hear the sound of my own inner voice.
I’ve been a sheeple of the frugality, minimalism and self-help worlds for so long – starting from childhood – that I’ve forgotten what makes ME happy. After all, everyone should want to be self-employed, working from home, location independent, making their own laundry detergent, living with 50 things (if you count underwear as one thing I hope) and firing their house cleaners. Whoever doesn’t do that is a slave to conformity, consumption, debt and a host of other ills which shall remain unmentioned (because I don’t know what they are…) And probably single-handedly destroying the planet to boot (one of my fears).
The pressure to be uber-frugal started with my parents. I’ve been living frugally my entire life apart from a couple of years in my early 20′s (the happiest years of my life) before my oldest son showed up. On the scale of frugality, my upbringing was abnormally frugal – not out of necessity because my parent’s didn’t have any money but out of their desire to build a large farming operation. Which isn’t any different from my being a tight-ass to amass a decent nest egg when you think about it.
But sometimes there are lightbulb realizations to be found on the web and sometimes we keep with it because we’re searching for just those a-ha’s. In Tim Brownson’s article “The Greatest Piece of Self Development Advice” he offers this up.:
“There is no how it is, only how it is for you.”
Fact: I like working. I hate working from home. I like working in a cubicle in the middle of everything even better than working in a corner office. Working provides me with a built-in social life, mental stimulation and structure. In the right job, I feel happier going to work on Monday than I do going for drinks on Friday (well, almost). I don’t like weekends unless I’m going somewhere or have some kind of agenda planned. I haven’t gone on holidays at some jobs because I like working that much. I’m an extrovert and get depressed when I’m alone. Sue me.
Fact: I hate cleaning house. But I like having a clean house. I have never had a house cleaner because I have some silly notion that it would be wasting money. Even when I was making mid-six figures, I thought I should be doing it all myself.
Fact: I’m tired of living in houses that need to be renovated. I just want to pay someone else to do it and have it done already.
Fact: I like dressing up every day for work. I like spending money on nice clothes and great hair and having other people see it. Shallow and vain? Yup, but true.
Fact: I have no self-discipline. I’d rather pay someone to babysit me to exercise and eat right than go through the stress of trying to push myself anymore.
Fact: I’m too fricking young to retire. For whatever reason, I have no friends that are older than I am, what people I have met while being off and being out and about seem to be SAHM’s or under-employed and I have little in common with them. Being single also means that I don’t have a spouse to hang out with and married couples don’t seem to adopt single women into their social groups. I’m also not looking for a main squeeze, so that kind of leaves that out as a solution.
Fact: Working as a consultant doesn’t make me happy either-at least in the job I’m in now. I want to be part of a team that works together, where I can be a mentor to others because it just makes me feel good to be a great boss.
Fact: The life I want can’t be paid for by my retirement-projected income.
Answer: Go back to work and buy the fulfilling life.
“To be successful, you must decide exactly what you want to accomplish, then resolve to pay the price to get it.” ~ Bunker Hunt
So what’s the price for a fulfilling life? Let’s assume that I get a job as a project lead, not a manager (no OT) netting $9,000/month after tax. Yes, I’ve been approached for another job – actually two of them – by a freak coincidence.
Here’s the budget for living within my means:
Everyday normal costs: $3,500
The extras:
Two weekends away per month skiing, traveling or just having fun: $400
House cleaner: $500
House renovations and decorating – $2,000 (one year). I want new furniture (my old stuff is OLD), a landscaper (my dog is BAD) 
, maybe even a decorator because I’m clueless and I hate doing that crap.
Clothes and grooming stuff – $200
Personal trainer, exercise classes – fitness babysitting – $400
Extra entertainment costs (eek! buy lunch?!?) – $200
Holidays (may be higher and include unpaid leave): $800
Savings (going towards an acreage / property): $1,000
Yup, I’m going to spend it ALL. I can’t promise that I’ll be able to stick to the budget – in fact, I’ll probably be under since it’s quite hard for me to let go of feeling somehow wrong for spending – but I’m sure going to try. A 6 month experiment should give enough data to determine if the fulfillment factor (from Your Money or Your Life) is worth it.
Other Posts You May Like:
- Internet forums – fulfilling or sucking the life out of you? Also some thoughts on being an achievement freak – and being ashamed to admit it.
- Home Renovating – buy the right property at the right price
- PMS rant: I Hate Frugality
- A short diatribe on tweezers and price points as a marketing tool
jjolie – Love it, love it, love it! You're like a good movie with a snappy surprise ending.
And it's true – it depends what's right for YOU. Can't wait to hear about your experiment.
Hey kelsi!
At least you didn't call me bipolar – in a manic phase.
Already I'm having difficulties spending to budget since I found a personal trainer that's only going to run around $120/month. Maybe mama gets a new pair of skis this year after all…
It's waste of money to hire house cleaners, but you get free time for yourdelf. Instead of cleaning you can go out and have a walk in the park.
So happy to be reading your posts again. Last month, I would check my reader daily and wonder "When is Jacq coming back?!"
You knocked it out of the park with this one. Such a great read.
I relate so much to what you are saying. Am I frugal? Am I a minimalist? Am I into personal development? The answer to all these questions came into my experience with these simple words from my guru…
"Just do whatever is needed"
That was it for me. All I do today is consciously look at each situation in my life, I look honestly at my current capabilities and limitations and I look at any external situations or people involved in said situation… and then I just do what is needed. "What is needed" changes moment to moment, just like life.
This month, I sold everything I own except for 10 items. Does this make me a minimalist? In my eyes, it is a fun challenge that I'm excited to experience. When the challenge is over, I can look at the situation then and decide if I want to continue living with one outfit or I can go on a massive shopping spree.
I can ALWAYS just do what is needed…
So glad to have you back
~Mike
jjolie
I think you've really hit on something.
Whenever I'm off work in the daytime for an appt or whatever, I look around and think, "These are not my people, where are my people?" And they are at work with me. I enjoy my time there.
Despite my daydreams that retirement would free me up for countless pursuits, I guess I'm not really there yet.
I could create a better balance as well by just letting go of a little cash and letting someone else do some house cleaning/chores, whatever. Its true, sometimes you need to adjust your patterns of frugality and make sure you have the right fit for your life.
Great post.
@ Cleaners – is it a waste though to spend money for cleaning staff? If I can charge out $100/hour and pay someone $20/hour to do something I HATE doing – that's a very small price to pay for peace of mind. Of course, if it's hiring a plumber to unclog a sink, it's a different story, no?
Hey Mike! Big cyber sloppy back to you too! I love your logic and adventurous spirit! Love, love the advice of "do whatever is needed" – and for me, that's to experience how the other half lives I suppose. Very difficult to make assumptions about values etc. if I'm putting down something that I've never done I think. Re. minimalism, take 2 people and a 100 pound dog in a 24' RV and that's about as minimalist as I could get – but it was a great exercise as well in figuring out exactly what I like having around that feeds the soul (and the body). I'm purging a bunch of crap in the next couple of weeks myself because of that. Ruthless, I tell you.
Thanks for stopping by Anon – I think you nailed it too. It's just as important to figure out what we're going to budget IN as it is to figure out what we're going to budget OUT. That's hard for me to feel right with (frugal guilt complex) but I've got to try.
Awesome article-you really gained from the month off in so many ways. It's going in my round up today.
Thanks Barb, at least I didn't gain any weight.
But I lost some of my frugal guilt complex despite not spending much on the holiday. For some reason, free things just kept showing up – admissions, firewood, meals – even wine!
Fascinating and inspiring. This will be an interesting experiment. I look forward to hearing your emotional responses to these new adventures.
Hey J295, thanks for stopping by and commenting! Right now it feels incredibly freeing as I let go of who I thought I wanted to be and am becoming more aligned with the kind of person I know I really am. Stay tuned as I expect to be giving away a bunch of books on frugal living in the near future.
I want to join the chorus of other comments to say that I found the post a helpful inclusion to the “early” retirement dialogue.
I want to add that I have a bone to pick with the early “retirement” community of bloggers in that they misuse the word retirement. Retirement is when you have voluntarily taken yourself out of the jobs marketplace and not engaged in or seeking paid labor including self-employment.
Any situation other than that is not “retired.” But there is an infinite possible mix of full-time and part-time employment including some amount of self-employment and having a job (defined by having a boss who directs your actions). And that within the realm of possibility is the correct mix for each individual: No one size fits all!
I achieved total financial independence over three years ago now. I left the rat race of full-time employment shortly (seven days!) thereafter and I have not had a “job” since then.
But it is not like I don’t work. For income in addition to that from my annuity (that is double what I need to pay the bills) I own rental units and I write, publish, and market books.
To stay engaged I do some money coaching (pro bono), always have a home renovation project going, and, being financially independent, I have the time to devote to being a husband and Dad to an 11yo.
That is my “right” mix and the exact mix each day is different and based largely on what I feel like doing each day and my to-do list.
And therein lies the real payoff: When you achieve FI, your time and your life can more closely reflect your own vaules. The trick is to figure out those values and then build that life.
TMG, you are so very right on this. I know for years when presented with that question “what would you do if you didn’t have to worry about money or didn’t have to work?”, it was largely an academic question. Now that the rubber meets the road and I AM finally FI, I can see where I can spend more time and energy working on the fulfilling life piece and make sure there’s enough money to pay for it.
I think even Jacob at Early Retirement Extreme has said that he wishes he wouldn’t have used the term retirement to describe what he’s doing since he hasn’t really retired either in a sense.
I expect this to be a very fluid, changing period of my life. Sometimes working, sometimes not. Hopefully discovering new passions and hobbies along the way.
At the time when I first thought I wanted to retire, I was in a kind of bad job and hadn’t had a lot of really great jobs. After that, I did get into jobs where I truly enjoyed it and a couple that I wasn’t crazy about. Then I realized that what I wanted wasn’t really to stop working entirely, but to only accept work that I really enjoyed in a great environment. The things that most people worry a lot about like showing up at the same time every day, or putting up with b.s. don’t bother me (I like the structure of going somewhere every day and don’t sweat the small stuff at work). I’m very grateful that FI has given me the ability to pick and choose what I do and who I choose to work with without worrying about going into debt or going hungry.
You took the words out of my mouth.
I quit going to location independent & minimalist blogs. I want to be financially independent, however I don’t want to own just 50 things. I think that movement got popular because of the recession and the economy recovery we’re still under.
I still go to FB’s minimalist blog but that’s because she’s not a psycho about it. When I got honest with myself though I realized that I didn’t want to own too much but I didn’t want to own too little either. I like having practical things for everyday life such as dinnerware, cookware, and a table. I like having a variety of clothes.
I also realized that while it would be fun to be a blogger/artist/writer/graphic designer, I can’t be by myself all day long. I live with my bf and I love him, but I want to hang out with other people besides my bf. I like going to work and talking to different people and having friends there.
I need social interaction, human beings are social animals. That’s just how we are.I don’t like the income of being a blogger/artist/writer/graphic/web designer. Creative fields tend to be over-saturated where people will work for free and the people who want to get paid for it often struggle because the people who work for free make it hard for the people who want to get paid.
It’s nice to have a steady stream of income from a corporation. I don’t think it makes me a bad person for wanting to work at a corporation and a traditional job in the business world. Plus I can use the money from my job to donate to charities that I care about and I’m contributing to the economy.
Anyway it’s not to hear that someone else doesn’t mind working. TY. =)